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James Oliver Chapman – Author

When my wife of 16 years revealed she wanted act on a growing sexual interest in women I became a straight spouse. There are between two to three million of us who are, or have been, in a marriage with a lesbian, gay or bisexual spouse. Welcome to a blog that chronicles my journey; past, present and future. Please feel free to comment or share your own story anonymously. And please explore the links to find out more about my memoir, How to Lose Your Wife to Another Woman—available now on Amazon!

Read my guest article in the latest issue of “Smart Healthy Women”

Thanks to Smart Healthy Women for allowing me to make a guest appearance in their magazine and on their site.   Read my article “How I Lose my Wife” at:  smarthealthywomen.com

New Review from noted sex expert JE Ellington, “Dr. E”

James Chapman’s How to Loose Your Wife to Another Woman reminds us that we are all normal and we are all nuts when it comes to our sexuality.  His achingly honest memoir helps us all contemplate how we balance what we need, versus what we think we want and what we can live with, in our intimate relationships.  How to Loose Your Wife will be a comfort and support to the millions of people who are living, or who have lived in a Mixed-Orentiation Marriage. But even beyond that, his work can help us all look more realistically at our human relationships,  to realize that our sexual selves are much less static than we often think.  Sometimes exploring this can provide couples, freedom.  Sometimes it is destructive.  But being true to ourselves through the journey, is the only way to reach the other side intact. Thanks for being a guide on this journey James!  —JE Ellington, PhD. “Dr. E” sexscienceandnature.com.

Thanks Dr. E for such a stellar review!  –James

The Book is Here!

The paperback is available now on Amazon and the Kindle edition will be available 8/25/14!  Please buy, enjoy, and leave a review on Amazon and Goodreads.  If you’re on Goodreads, make sure to add it to your shelf so others can see it!  Thanks for your support!



Read my guest post “Even the Best Mixed-Orientation Marriages Fail”

I just published my first guest blog post!  I’d like to send a big thanks to thinkingaboutgettingdivorced.com for having me. Here’s a link to “Even the Best Mixed Orientation Marriages Fail




That’s right.  My book has finished production and will soon be available on Amazon in both paperback and Kindle formats.  I’ll keep you posted on the big launch event.  I’m going to have a promotion with a prize, and of course, a special introductory offer for the book.  I’m trying to make the Amazon best-seller list for the week of launch and I’ll need a little help from my friends.  –so I’ll let you now when it’s on sale!



The Spouses Who Make Up the Statistics of Mixed Orientation Marriages

The words mixed orientation marriage aren’t often used in everyday conversation, nor is the term straight spouse.

I was painfully reminded of the lack of public awareness a few months ago.  I work in television, and my whole department meets each morning to review everyone’s work and discuss priorities. 

One of the managers read the ratings for all the networks, and one of the shows he named was “Sean Saves the World.”  The series was about a man who, after being married to a woman for years, realizes he’s gay.  It’s his story of life after divorce and how he co-parents with his ex-wife, a straight spouse. 

The show didn’t get a great rating, so someone at the table sarcastically said, “Who can relate to that?  Like 600 people?”

“I can introduce you to a lot of people who would enlighten you, Mr. Statistics.”  That’s what I wanted to say.  Instead I kept quiet.  I hadn’t shared my experiences with many of my co-workers and I really didn’t want to discuss it in a meeting in front of the whole department.

The founder of The Straight Spouse Network, Amity Pierce Buxton, PhD says:

The most conservative estimate of heterosexual marriages in which one of the spouses is gay or lesbian is at least 2,000,000 and an unknown number of bisexual spouses ...are or have been in a heterosexual marriage.

Following that meeting I thought about what my co-worker said.  And it hit me.  Straight spouses don’t want to talk about it.  I hadn’t told many people because I felt shame, guilt and embarrassment.  No wonder people are so unaware of this phenomenon. 

By sharing my story I hope to help the individuals who make up those statistics. I want to change social attitudes about legalizing same sex marriage.  I’m very much in favor of everyone being accepted for their sexual orientation so they can marry the sex of their choice.  We should end the need for closeted marriages for good.


Support Groups for Mixed Orientation Marriages

I’ve had several readers ask if I could recommend a support
group for spouses who suddenly find themselves in a mixed orientation marriage.

When a gay spouse comes out, there are many resources
to help them through this challenging time; however, there are very few support
groups for the straight spouse.

 I discovered Straight Spouse Network (SSN) to be a wonderful,
anonymous group, full of love and support. 
You can share your experiences and listen to the experiences of others.  It was extremely valuable to me to know that
I wasn’t alone.

 SSN has 57 face-to-face support groups across the country, and
an ever-evolving website with information for spouses and their families and
the larger community.   The site has instructions on how to join the


SSN founder, Amity Pierce Buxton, PhD also reminded me that
the group has an advocacy arm to promote LGBT equality so that fewer straight
spouses will find themselves in their mates’ closet.

I’ve had personal experience with SSN, but there are other
online groups that you may find helpful: 
Husbands Out to Wives, Alternate Paths

and the Yahoo Groups, Making Mixed
Orientation Marriage Work
and Men
Married to Lesbians.